Broken
by cherryredchucks
Summary: Rory receives a letter from someone she thought didn't love her. Literati songfic. It's not cheesy...well, not too cheesy!!


A/N: It's not me who's sending the hate mail to ASP made out of cut-up magazine letters. I'm not the one begging her to send Milo to me (or at least put him back on the show). No, that'd be insane. Psycho. Deranged WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME!??!?! IT'S NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::rocks back and forth in corner::  
  
i close my eyes  
  
thought i was lost but i was stranded  
  
I hated them. I hated them all. They thought that she couldn't deal with me, couldn't handle me. And she couldn't. But that wasn't the point, the point was I'd survived like this for seventeen years and I was fine. Sure, I was emotionally screwed up and I'd done more stupid things than most rock stars. But I was still breathing and I wasn't in anything I couldn't handle on my own. But no, they had to send me to that goddamn Pleasantville- wannabe town. And I thought I'd be myself and I'd be back in New York in no time, that simpleton uncle would kick me out, after all, Liz didn't want me. Why the hell would he? But I met him and I knew this wouldn't be easy. And I thought for sure that it was the end. But it was just the beginning...  
  
i go outside  
  
to my surprise the sky had landed  
  
i thought it made more sense  
  
if i could only keep you guessing  
  
But you, you weren't like anything I'd ever seen before. You were beautiful and intense and amazing and everything I'd ever read about when the main character fell in love. Your blue eyes could make my head spin, making the colors and everything else around them swim. You were the greatest adrenaline rush without the danger. You were the most incredible high without the drugs, the drink that drank me whole, the ultimate feeling of euphoria. But you never knew. You were innocence and beauty in its purest form. Michelangelo would have painted you for hours, Hemingway would have written about you for pages, Beethoven would have written a symphony about you. But what did I do to honor you? I broke your heart.  
  
i was a fool to think that i should stop you from undressing  
  
now i'm believing all the words you say  
  
that i can't say back to you  
  
but so you can  
  
I was never supposed to love you. I was never supposed to get close to you, to  
  
bring you close to me. But you came into my world, bringing all your beauty, your wisdom, your innocence and everything else that I'd never had before. You undressed yourself to me, your bared your soul and put it out, all for me. And I thought that it wasn't right, that you shouldn't share anything with me, not someone as wrong and damaged as me. But I couldn't share with you. I couldn't tell you about my life, my heart, my flaws. Because you would realize what a mistake I was and what dating me would do to you. So I shut down. But you didn't leave.  
  
so i fall  
  
i don't wanna feel this small  
  
you know i just can't handle this  
  
handle this at all  
  
And I loved you. I loved you more than I'd ever loved anything else before. You filled my brain, my soul, my heart. You filled me up and it scared me. I had never needed someone before, never had someone to love, to care about, to think about. My mom never taught me about love; I had relied on the wise words of authors who spun the English language to express every feeling and instance that would occur because of love. But they had never even met you. And you were a new feeling all to itself. More than love, more than need, you were just you. And it was the greatest thing of all. But I was never worthy and I knew that you were making a mistake. I was a mistake.  
  
and i'll just fall  
  
i'll let my heartbeat drop  
  
i falter as the music stops  
  
and you watch me as stall  
  
You saw me as I broke down at the end. When my father made his surprise guest appearance, flipping my world upside down. When I flunked and every hope you had in me was proved wrong. And I let the defense mechanism kick in and I shut you out. I distanced myself from the only girl I'd ever loved. And you tried to help, to be let in. But I didn't want you to see what mistakes I'd made and how wrong I was for you. It was better for you to be hurt by me than disappointed by me.  
  
and wonder when i fall  
  
So I left. And left you to wonder why. Unfairly to wonder. And I knew at first you would blame yourself and that killed me. I wanted to leave you this note, to let you know that it was me and not you. Never you. You were never ever wrong. You made my life complete. I loved you. I really did. And I still do. And I don't want you to wonder why I left. I didn't leave because of you. I left for you. To keep you safe and pure and wonderful.  
  
i kiss your neck  
  
i feel you breathing on my shoulder  
  
still i'm perfect it must be you cause now it's over  
  
As I lie here, I can still feel your hair in my hands. I can feel your soft lips, feel the warmth of your breath as it cascades on my neck, making every hair on my neck stand up and make all coherent thought fly out the window as your scent and your touch filled me in every way. But I turn a little to the left and the cold pillow jolts my thoughts back to here. Your scent is gone for now, only the stale scent of the pillow. And the coldness consumes me, the ache of the place you once filled makes me numb. You were perfect. I should be happy, now you're safe, thousands of miles away from me. I can't touch you or damage you. You're safe. This is where I want to be. Then why is it that I want nothing more than to hold you?  
  
i was so close  
  
that was the most that i have ever been through  
  
I was so close to you, to perfection, to finally telling you how I feel. But then it all happened and my world crashed down around me. But I never regretted a second I spent with you. I never regretted the happiness and the pain and everything I got at your hands. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Rory.  
  
now old cassettes and cigarettes  
  
will be the ones to save you  
  
I'm sending you this tape, I thought you'd like these songs. They're the ones that made me think of you, the ones I listen to late at night, the only light coming from the pale moon and my burning cigarette. I know you hated that I smoked, but it calms me, makes me feel less scared and stupid about leaving you. And if I didn't have this one relief, I'd be back there so fast. And I can't do that.  
  
how can you ask for me to stay  
  
when all you ever do is go?  
  
just go  
  
I want nothing more than to come back. But you don't want me back. You need someone who will love you and be able to tell you that they love you. Someone who can tell you about his past, someone who has never seen what I've seen, done what I've done, lived through what I've lived through. I can't come back, to see you go. Because that's what will happen. I will come back and you will realize how damaged and shattered and broken I am, and you will go. Because you run, Rory. You always run.  
  
and so i fall  
  
i don't wanna feel this small  
  
you know i just can't handle this  
  
handle this at all  
  
and so i fall  
  
i let my heartbeat drop  
  
i falter as the music stops  
  
and you watch me as i stall  
  
and wonder when i..  
  
go on  
  
you can't be waiting  
  
go on  
  
and watch me as i fall  
  
I'm going to come back Rory. Whether I wanted it to or not, that town has become a part of me. But you've gotten under my skin, touched me to the core. So I know someday, I'll see you again. But don't wait for me. Go to Yale. I know it's more of a distance than we figured out before, but I will come back. And I don't expect you to love me, to want me back, you remember my name. But I will love you, want you beside me, remember your silhouette against the moonlight, the way your eyes shine, the way your lips taste like sun-ripened strawberries, the way your hair shines against the sun. I will always love you and always remember you.  
  
i don't wanna feel this small  
  
I hate hating myself. I hate knowing that I've hurt you. I only wanted to love you. And I did, and I do, and I always will. Rory, I love you. I couldn't say it before, but I needed you to know. And I'm sorry I left you. Lorelai probably expected it, Taylor knew it was coming, Dean was thrilled to hear it. But it wasn't because I never loved you, because you were just another conquest, but it was because I loved you. Don't blame yourself. Never ever blame yourself. You are all a guy could ask for. I never deserved you.  
  
you know i just can't handle this  
  
handle this at all  
  
and so i'll fall  
  
i'll let my heartbeat drop  
  
i falter as the music stops  
  
and you watch me as stall  
  
and wonder when i..  
  
I love you, Rory Gilmore. And someday, I'll come back to you. You don't have to take me back. But I love you, and I will come back. I didn't say good-bye because it isn't good-bye. It's never good-bye if you love someone. And with how much I love you, we'll never say good-bye.  
  
Jess Mariano 


End file.
